


Let The Rain Fall (YouTube One-Shots)

by HyperRedFox



Category: Banana Bus Squad, Derp Crew - Fandom
Genre: F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-19
Updated: 2019-04-22
Packaged: 2019-06-29 10:16:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 22,489
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15727362
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HyperRedFox/pseuds/HyperRedFox
Summary: A little book of One-Shots, made to make you cry.*Disclaimer* I do not own anyone in any of these stories. They are their own people.*Warning* These stories will have cursing, death, and a lot of feels... And some may have drinking.





	1. Let It Rain (PewdieCry)

I lean my head against the window, trying to stay strong.

_I'm such an idiot. I fucked up so badly._

I shut my eyes and take a deep, shaky breath, and start going over what has happened to me.

Just one week ago, I was in a three year long relationship with the love of my life. We were happy. I was thinking of asking for more from him. Just seven days ago, I made a trip to the jewelry store and asked them for a ring.

Only five days ago, I went to the same store to pick the ring up. I was excited, and showed it to all of our friends. I even came up with a plan on how I would do it. It was very cheesy, but I thought it was perfect and I knew he would love it. I only told one person the plan, but they started acting weird.

Two days ago, I went to the same friend to find out what was wrong. He never told me, but he asked me to hang out with him for a few hours. During that time, we both got drunk. The next morning, I woke up and realized that I slept with him.

Yesterday, I told the love of my life what had happened. I ended up breaking his heart. He wouldn't even let me hug him... He kicked me out.

Today, I woke up in a hotel bed, and I tried talking to him. But he doesn't want to talk to me.

"Why would he want to talk to me," I ask myself. "I'm such an asshole. I'm such a dumbass. I was so close to making him mine forever, and I fucked everything up."

I clinch my fist into my jeans and try even harder to keep the tears in. "Why did I have to sleep with Ken? It doesn't matter if we were drunk, or if he kissed me, or if he told me he loved me. I had everything that I had ever wanted and I threw it all away."

I look down at my phone and see that Cry still hasn't texted me back. I sigh. 

_He might be with someone else. Who knows who? Maybe that person is trying to play friend. Maybe that person has a plan to take what you lost._

"SHUT UP," I scream, throwing my phone across the room, smashing it against the wall. "... He doesn't hate me... I still have a chance with him... I just..."

I stop and look outside when I hear screaming outside. I look and see a couple kids running around in the parking lot, screaming as it slowly starts to rain. They soon form a small circle and start running, holding hand, and singing "Rain, rain, go away. Come again another day."

I smile as I watch them play. It was only one week ago that Cry and I were talking about our future. Only one week ago that we were talking about adopting... But that's out of the question now.

My walls finally come crashing down as I watch the kids play in the rain. It will only be a few seconds more until their parents call them in. Their fun will be over.

As the first tear starts to slide down my cheek, I press my head against the cool glass and start singing "Let it rain, let it pour, 'cause he don't love me anymor~"

My smile leaves my face as I start to chock on the word. It's true though. I saw his heart break in front of me. I know that he could never love me anymore. Not after I slept with our best friend. He could never love me.

Tears start pouring down my face, as I grab my pillow, knocking the black box off of the nightstand, and bury my face into the pillow. I fucked up so badly. There is no way in hell he will ever forgive me for anything that I have done. He will turn to someone else for comfort, and I will most likely lose him to them. But, I have to be happy for him. Maybe one day we will move pass this, but it won't be soon.

I curl up in the chair I've been sitting in all day and start to cry harder. Even still, he is my everything. I love him more than my own life. I don't want to have to say goodbye to him. I want to hold him, kiss him, and make him my husband. I want to have kids with him. I want to grow old with him. But who knows if I will get to have that. Who knows if he'll even be my friend again.

With my face buried deep into my pillow, I start to feel my eyes start to burn. I find that it's getting hard for me to breathe, but I don't care.

My eyes start to grow heavy and I have to continue gasping for air to keep some air in them. However, in between each gasp, I continuously say, "I love you, Ryan," until I finally fall asleep.


	2. Never Forget Me (SeaChaos)

I'll always remember the day we met. You were so shy. So nervous. So adorable.

We had talked online, but it had nothing to actually getting together in person. Our fans were so excited about us doing that meet and greet. You told me your stomach was turning, so I helped you get through it. I grabbed your hand and told you I would be right beside you the whole time. I told you that if you needed me, I was right there.

The way you looked at me, I'll never forget how much you lit up right there and then.

I'll always remember the day I realized my feelings for you. It was late at night, and we were both talking on Skype. I had to use the rest room, and when I came back, you had fallen asleep on your desk.

I remember watching you sleep for what felt like hours. You looked so peaceful. You were so cute. I remember being flattered that you were still online, waiting for me to come back, and all I wanted to do was cover you up in a blanket and kiss you goodnight.

But we were miles away from each other. I couldn't touch you. So I just watched you sleep, until something on your side woke you up, and I had to laugh at you. You were embarrassed by me saying you were cute, and you thought it as me making fun of you.

But I meant it.

I'll always remember that night in the hotel's pool. It was PAX South, and we both couldn't sleep, so we met up by the pool late that night.

We were watching the stars in the night sky, talking about everything we could think of. Then, as a joke, I had pushed you into the pool, and you dragged me in with you. We both laughed and started splashing each other with water. After a few minutes, I remember looking into your eyes. I had gotten lost in them.

My heart was beating like mad, and I knew I had to make a move. So I kissed you.

And I'll always remember how amazing it felt when you kissed back.

 

I'll always remember the day you came to see me. We had talked about going on a date for weeks, but we could never find the time to visit each other.

Like every morning, we had called each other to say good morning, and I was going out to get the mail. I was so surprised when I opened the door and saw you standing right in front of me. You never told me you had made the time.

The moment I saw you, tears started running down my face, and I instantly kissed you.

That night, I took you out on the town, and treated you like a prince. I wanted to make sure it was everything we had ever wanted, and it worked.

 

I'll always remember the day you called me, crying. You never told your dad that you were gay, and you didn't want to hurt him.

He wanted you to marry, and his boss wanted his daughter to marry, so they decided to have an arranged wedding with you two. Neither of you wanted to marry the other, but you both didn't want to disappoint your families, so you both agreed.

That night, you called me, told me everything that had happened, and I bought you a plane ticket to California just minutes after you told me.

 

I'll always remember holding you that night you came. We were both in tears.

I never wanted to let you go, and you told me you wanted to stay with me forever. However, we both knew that you would have to go back someday. You couldn't leave your family. You couldn't disappoint your dad. I knew that.

So I kissed you, and we finally made love that night.

The whole time, I kissed you and told you I loved you. I meant every word.

 

I'll always remember the day I got the invitation to your wedding in the mail. It broke my heart.

We stopped talking after that amazing night, and I thought I was never going to see you again. But then you asked me to come to the reason why I was going to lose you. I told myself I wouldn't go, but I knew I was going to anyways. I had to see you one more time. It hurt knowing that I was going to lose you, so I had to say good-bye someway.

I guess this was my way.

 

On the plane to your wedding, my heart was breaking more and more with each passing minute. I knew that I was going to watch you kiss another. I knew we were going to have to fake being friends, when in reality, we were so much more. I love you so much more than you could ever know. And yes, I did write all of this on that plane.

I knew that this was going to be the only way I would be able to talk to you about all of this. So, Anthony, I have to ask you to do sometime for me. I want you to keep this letter. I want you to read it every time you think of me. I want you to know that I will always love you, and I will always miss you.

It's going to kill me hearing you say 'I do' to her, when you should be saying it to me, but I know that I'm going to have to get over it. I'm going to have to move on. You two are married now, or you will be soon, and I know you won't leave her. Not while your family is still around.

So, please Anthony, don't lose this letter, like I'm about to lose you. Hold it tightly, like that way I held you. Remember my lips, the way I'll remember your's. Remember my words, as I'll remember your tears. Never forget me, like I'll never forget you.


	3. Heart Beat (MaskedMexican)

"Hope you guys had a good-night. I'll see if we can stream again tomorrow, but until then, this is good-night everyone."

After saying goodbye to his fans, Max turns everything off and slowly starts undressing as he walks back into his room. He had been streaming for six hours, and he was exhausted. All he could think of at this moment was curling up in his nice warm bed with-

"Damn Max; can't you wait until we're in the bedroom to start stripping for me."

Max chuckles, throwing his shirt at Ohm before saying, "That's definitely not what you were saying yesterday."

They start laughing before going back to walking to their bedroom, changing into their pajama pants, and cuddling up together. Ohm rests his head on Max's chest, and Max rests his hand on top of Ohm's hand. With a smile on his face, his eyes slowly shut, and he drifts off to sleep, dreaming more of the man he loves.

When the morning sun hits Max's face, he groans as he starts to wake up from his dream. He rubs his eyes and looks down, seeing Ohm, fast asleep, still resting on Max's chest. Max smiles to himself, slowly slipping out of Ohm's arms, wanting to let him sleep some more.

He then quickly creeps out of the room and walks to the kitchen, pulling out everything he would need to make pancakes for them both. Once he's done, he walks back to the room and walks up to their bed, where he sees Ohm, still fast asleep.

He smiles and put his hand on top of him, giving him a little shake. "Ohmie; time to wake up." Ohm doesn't move. "Ohmie; come on, it's morning. I have breakfast ready." Still nothing. "Ryan, come on," Max says, pulling the blanket off of him.

He climbs onto the bed and grabs Ohm's shoulder, but he gasps and his eyes widen. Ohm's body is cold. "Ryan?!"

He puts his hand on Ohm's neck, trying to find a pulse, and starts freaking out once he realizes it's so faint that it was barely there. Max starts crying and screaming, "Ryan! Oh my god! Please stay with me!" He grabs his phone and quickly dials 911. "Ryan, I'm right here! Please stay with me! Ryan!"

***

"RYAN!" Max jumps as he wakes up from his nightmare. His heart is beating heavily and sweat is running down his face. "It was- It was the dream again."

"Are you okay, Max," A voice says behind him.

When Max turns his head, he sees Adam walking into the room with two cups of coffee in his hand. He hands one to Max and has a seat next to him before they both look at the sleeping body in front of them.

"It's nothing. It was... I just dreamt that day up again."

"You've dreamt of that day for over a month now."

"I know. I just can't get it out of my head." He puts the cup of coffee down and takes Ohm's hand. "I can't believe it's been a month since then. Since they had to put him in this stupid coma."

"I can't believe he never said anything about having a heart condition."

"I think he didn't want us to worry about him."

"And he failed at that. All it did was make everyone scared shitless."

Before they can say anything else, a nurse walks in and places her hand onto Max's shoulder. "Mr. Gonzalez; the doctor has some papers he need you to sign for tomorrow."

"Tomorrow," Adam asks.

"Okay; I'll be by there in a few minutes," Max says, letting go of Ohm's hand.

Once the nurse walks away, Max turns to Adam, who has a worried expression on his face. "Max... Please don't tell me that-"

"I'm sorry."

"Oh god! Max, please! I'm sure there's something else that we can do!"

"Adam, they have tried everything... This is the only thing left."

"No, please! We can't- I can't-"

"Adam," Max says, grabbing Adam by the shoulders and giving him a little shake. "There is nothing else we can do. This is my choice, so please allow me to do it."

Tears start to stream down Adam's face. "Max-"

"Adam, I need you to do me a favor. Go to my car and pull out my laptop. I need to record something."

"But-"

"Please Adam. This is something that has to be done. I can't live with him like this. I don't know how some people can stand being beside someone in a coma for almost a year, sometimes more. This sucks! I can't stand it! This is something that has to be done, and it's going to happen tomorrow! Just please, get me my laptop."

Adam blinks, shocked by Max's words, but he nods, agreeing to do as Max asks. Max then watches as Adam stands up and leaves, before he looks back at Ohm. As he does so, he can't help but notice that it's starting to rain. He sighs. "This has to be done.... I can't live like this anymore."

***

As Ohm slowly starts to open his eyes, he can't help but notice a black silhouette sitting in the chair next to him, and weird patterned beeping coming in from the distance. However, the longer he fights to stay awake, the more everything starts to clear up. Soon, he realizes that he is in a hospital room, the beeping is a heart monitor, and the silhouette beside him turns out to be, "Adam?"

Adam jumps to the sound of Ohm's raspy voice, and he could then tell that Adam had been crying. "Ohm! You're awake!"

Before Ohm can say anything else, Adam jumps out of his seat and runs out of the room. Less than a minute later, a nurse and a doctor run into the room and start examining his body. Once they're done, they step back outside and Adam walks back in. He then sits down next to Ohm and puts his hand on the end of the bed.

"It's good to see that you're finally awake."

"What's going on? Why am I in the hospital?"

"Well, your heart kind of failed, and to keep you alive, they put you in a coma... That was almost two months ago."

"What? But, wait, how am I still alive?"

"The doctors did a bunch of different tests to find a way to help you. The last thing they did was put you through surgery, and, well, that was a week ago. We were starting to worry that the surgery failed as well."

Ohm then looks to the door and then looks out the window, seeing that it's raining heavily. He then turns to Adam and asks, "Where's Max? Why isn't he here right now?"

Adam freezes and takes a gulp, before he's eyes drop to the floor. He then reaches behind him, pulls out a laptop, and opens it. He pulls up a file and opens it to a video before placing it onto Ohm's lap. He then presses play and Ohm watching the screen, confused at what's going on.

He watches as Max sits in the same spot Adam is currently sitting at, and he clears his throat.

"Hey Ohmie... Well, I hope this is you, at least. But, if it's not, please just stop the video now. This is private. If it is you, then, I'm so happy you're okay.  
I love you so much, and I want you to know that, you are the most important person in my life. I want you to be happy. I want you to live. Just know, that I'll always be with you. In fact, I'm in the room with you right now.  
Really fast, put your hand right here." He takes his hand and puts it over his chest, and Ohm does the same. "Do you feel your heart? ... Do you feel our heart?" Ohm's eyes widen as he hears Max's question. "Please, take care of yourself. I'll see you on the other side. I love you."

As soon as the video ends, Adam jumps up and wraps his arms around Ohm. Tears start pouring down Adam's face as he repeatedly tells Ohm that he's sorry he couldn't stop Max. Ohm stares at the video, tears slowly starting to slide down his cheeks as Max's as words sink in.

He then grabs Adam's arm, and let's the tears start to come out faster. He then starts saying Max's name, slowly making each one louder than the one before it. Then, with all the pain of the situation finally hitting him, he throws his head back and lets out one heart-breaking scream. "MAAAAAAXXXXXXXX!"

He starts sobbing along with Adam, who had just lost one of his best friends. Meanwhile, his new heart, although it is breaking a little, it works it's hardest to keep a steady beat for the one it wanted to beat for.


	4. Drunken Lullaby (ChilledMexican)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***This story was inspired by the song Whiskey Lullaby by Brad Paisly and Alison Krauss***

With the cold bottle pressed against his lips, Max takes a big gulp of whiskey, burning the back of his throat as it goes down. His eyes are blood-shot, not only from all of his drinking, but because of the many tears that had escaped earlier, after he woke up from a dream about him.

It had been almost three months; however, he wasn't able to deny it. He was still in love with Anthony, but Anthony could not love him back. Not anymore anyways. Not after that stupid fight. The stupid fight, that ended their two year long relationship, and destroyed his career.

It had been his fault. He chose to stream until late at night, when he knew that Anthony wanted to go see Ze and Ritz in the morning. He knew that he promised to end the stream early that night, because he knew Anthony wanted to go have fun, without having Max's hangover holding him back. He knew that they were on thin ice after he had forgotten Valentine's Day the week before. But at that moment, he didn't think, or he didn't care.

He takes another gulp of whiskey thinking about the fight, coughing as it goes down, burning away what little remains of his soul.

Anthony's voice rings through his head. The moment Max had walked into the bedroom, his cheeks were bright red, and his eyes were even redder, Anthony started yelling. He told Max everything and told him how pissed he was that Max went back on his word, but Max didn't care. He told Anthony to shut up and that they'll just meet with their friends a little later. Anthony continued to yell, however. He was tired of Max doing this all the time. He wanted there to be a change. But Max wasn't listening. Or, at least Anthony thought he wasn't.

Max took a long, heavy gulp, as he hears the loud smack in his memory.

Anthony fell to the floor and was in shock. In Max's drunken mind, he saw nothing wrong with hitting Anthony, but that was enough to sober himself up. He knew it was wrong. He loved Anthony, and never wanted to hurt him. He swore he would never hurt him, but with his hazy mind, he pretty much threw that out the window.

Max fell to his knees and begged Anthony to forgive him. Tears started to pour down his already red eyes. "I didn't mean to. I-I don't know what came over me. I'm so-I'm so sorry!"

Anthony didn't care. He just calmly told Max to forget it and to go to bed. When they crawled into bed, Anthony refused to face Max, and told Max to stay away from him. Max knew he fucked up, but he didn't know how badly until the next morning.

He throws the now empty bottle at the wall, smashing it and causing the little pieces of glass to fall into a pile on the floor, that has been growing bigger and bigger as the day goes on. He then opens the refrigerator door and pulls out a new bottle. Once he opens it and takes another big gulp, he starts thinking about the morning after.

He woke up, head pounding, and he felt sick. He quickly rolled to the side of the bed and threw up into a trash can that Anthony had put there, knowing he would be sick. He then looked up onto his nightstand and saw some aspirin and a glass of water, which he happily took. Once he downed to glass of water, he looked down at Anthony's side of the bed and saw a piece of paper on his pillow. He picked up the paper and read what was written on it.

He took a long, slow drink. The bottle was starting to shake as tears started to build up, and he was trying to keep himself from crying again.

The note told him that he was tired, and he couldn't stay with him anymore. Max's heart shattered.

He drank more. His throat was burning still, but he made sure to keep every single drop down. No matter how much it hurt.

Without warning, Max stopped talking to his friends. He stopped recording. He stopped streaming. He stopped uploading. He hasn't even checked his emails, his phone, or any of his social media pages. He didn't want to talk to anyone. He didn't deserve to have such good people in his life, considering how badly he had treated Anthony. He deserved to be alone.

Hell, he had even sent Malcolm to Renee's house in order to keep the dog safe from him. He didn't even deserve the love that dog gave him.

Once he empties the bottle, he throws it into the wall, and he slowly picks himself off of the floor. He stumbles his way back to his room, stepping on the glass on the floor, knowing that he threw them at just the right spot, where it would cover the floor in front of the only entrance to the kitchen. Once he was in his room, he falls into his bed, and he grabbed a picture he kept by his bed. It was a picture of him and Anthony. Back when they were happy. Back when he felt like he was a good boyfriend.

He feels his heart start to slow down and his blood go cold. The last of the whiskey was finally doing what Max had been hoping for.

His breathing slows down with each passing second, and the picture starts to become hazy. So he slowly closes his eyes as he thinks of what is written on the back of the picture. It was a note for Anthony.

_I'm sorry for everything I've done to you. I don't expect you to take me back. But, know that I'll always love you until I die._

***

The sun starts to set over the tall buildings surrounding the field of tombstone, and the groundskeeper, who was making his rounds, having to lock all the entrances to the cemetery and tell a certain young man that it was time for him to leave.

He knew he was there. He's been coming to the cemetery every day for over a week. Always there to see the same man. The poor man drank so much that...

His heart started to break as he walked up to the young man. He was able to hear him crying from a few rows down. Once he was behind him, all he did was put a hand on his shoulder, and walk away. That told him everything.

Anthony wiped away his tears and took a few deep breaths. "L-looks l-like I-I have to go, M-Maxie." His voice was still shaky from his heavy sobs.

Anthony felt so horrible. If he had just stayed and talked things over with Max calmly, instead of leaving and letting him fall down the path he did, he would still be here. Yes, Max had hit him, but it was no more than a slap. He had gotten worse from their friends, and he was so hard on himself after it had happened. He knew Max never meant to hurt him, but at the time, it was the worst thing to ever happen.

That was, until he had gotten a call from Renee, in tears, telling him that she found Max. Something that wouldn't have happened if they just talked. It didn't even have to be that day. He had three months to talk to Max, but he ignored him. That only made things worse.

Picking himself up off the ground, he said goodbye to Max's tombstone and walked out of the cemetery. He made his way back to the apartment he was now renting. It was only a few blocks away from the cemetery, so it was perfect for him at this moment.

Along the way back home, he decided to stop by the grocery store to pick up some frozen food. Then, on his way to the cashier, he made a quick detour to pick up a bottle of whiskey.


	5. Before You Say I Do (ZeRoyalChaos)

Anthony takes a deep breath as he steps up to the hotel door and holds his fist up. He knew that he wanted to do this. No. He knew that he had to do this. It was his only chance. His last chance.

He knocks on the door and silently waits. His heart beats heavily in his chest. Each passing second feels like an hour. Just as he is about to chicken out, he hears the doorknob turn, and **he** opens the door.

Once Steven sees him, he smiles and throws the door open. "Hey Chilly Willy. What's up?"

"Hey, um, I wanted to come talk to you. Do you have a minute?"

"For you, of course. Come in."

Anthony walks in and Steven shuts the door behind him. They both sit down, Anthony does so carefully, to make sure that he doesn't ruin his suit.

"So, what did you want to talk about," Steven asks.

"Well, uh, I wanted to talk to you about today. How are you feeling?"

"Nervous as hell and excited as hell," he giggles. "I can't believe I'm getting married today!"

Anthony chuckles, "Neither can I."

He knew that was a lie though. He isn't surprised that his best friend was getting married. Since they met in the Creatures, he knew how amazing he was, and knew how easy it was to fall in love with him. He wanted to make a move when they first met, but was too shy and ashamed of himself. He was overweight at the time, and never thought Steven would say yes to him. However, after he lost the weight, he was too late. Steven had started dating another good friend of theirs, so he didn't want to hurt them by trying to break them up. But now, he regretted not saying anything. For waiting so long. So he wants to be honest.

"You know, Ze, there's something important I have to tell you."

Steven looks at his watch and sighs. "Sure Chilly, but can you please tell me now. I have to get ready. The wedding is in half an hour."

Anthony then takes a deep breath, gets out of his seat, and walks over to Steven. Before he can even say anything, Anthony leans in and kisses him. Steven jumps in his seat and stares at Anthony in shock. However, after a few seconds, his eyes slowly start to shut, and his body seems to move on its own, wrapping his arms around Anthony's neck, and kissing him back. Both of their bodies melt into the others as they move in to deepen their kiss. Steven's mind starts running wild, and his heart starts beating faster than it ever has before.

As the kiss starts getting heated, and Anthony starts to slide his hands under Steven's shirt, Steven opened his eyes and saw the silver ring with a beautiful 6 carat diamond on top. When his eyes land on that ring that he had shown off so many times, his heart stops and he pushes Anthony off of him. Steven stands up and starts shaking his head as he walks back and forth, wondering what was wrong with him? What was he doing and why was he just kissing his best friend and cheating on the love of his life?

Anthony picks himself up and reaches out a hand to grab Steven's shoulder, but he just slaps it away.

"No, don't touch me," Steven yells as he backs away from Anthony. He then runs his hands through his hair and walks over to the bed he had slept in the night before. Once he sits down, he tries so hard not to cry, and Anthony can see that.

"Steven-"

"Why?" He lifts his head and stares up at Anthony with tears forming in his eyes. "Why did you just kiss me like that? You know that I'm getting married in less than an hour! You know that I love him! So why did you just do that?"

Anthony takes a step back and looks down at the ground. "I-I... I love you, Steven. I've loved you since we first met. You're all I think about, all I dream of. You mean everything to me. And I wanted you to know that."

"Why now? Why couldn't you tell me all of this before GaLm and I got together, or before he proposed to me? Why did you wait until my wedding day to tell me how you felt?"

"Because... I was scared. I thought you would reject me. I thought you were so much better than me, and you deserve the best. But now, I can't help myself. I want you Steven. I love you. I want to marry you."

Steven shakes his head. "Chilled, you're asking for too much. I may have loved you, but that was years ago, and I'm in love with GaLm now... We've even started the paper for us to adopt after we get married."

Anthony hangs his head and starts to walk away from Steven. His heart was shattered. He, of course, knew they were getting married today, but he didn't know they were filling out the paperwork to adopt.

"Hope you two have a happy life together," he mutters, trying his hardest to not break down and cry.

"Anthony," Steven yells as he jumps off the bed and runs to catch him. He then grabs Anthony's arm and looks into his tear filled eyes. "Anthony, you are my best friend. I love you, and I want you in my life. So please, can you be happy for me and GaLm? I need you to do that. If you can't, then... then don't show up for the wedding."

Anthony nods and walks out of Steven's hotel room, already knowing what he was going to do now that he has lost him. Now that he lost the love of his life.

***

"I now pronounce you, husband and husband," Tom says as he hovers his hands over both Anthony and Steven's shoulders. "You may now kiss."

Steven smiles and shuts his eyes as GaLm leans in and gently kisses him on the lips. Cheers suddenly fill the silent room as all of their friends and family start to celebrate the newlywed couple. Once Anthony pulls away, he holds him close to his body and the two take a very good look around the room. Steven flashes everyone the biggest smile he could make as tears slide down his cheeks. GaLm notices and wipes away his tears as he gives him another kiss. "I can tell you're happy we're finally married," he whispers into Steven's ear.

"Of course! I love you so much, Glammy!"

Steven wraps his arms around GaLm's neck and rests his head on his shoulder. All while staring at the empty seat, where his once best friend was suppose to sit.


	6. Closest Kiss (Chinx)

Michelle sighs as she watches Anthony slowly walk pass her, his head hanging, and his soul destroyed by life. It had only been five months ago that Anthony had lost his mom. She past away after she got in a car accident, involving a drunk driver. Then, four months ago, he started showing up to school with bruises and cuts covering his body. All given to him by his dad, who blamed him for his mom's death, because she was going to pick him up from a friend's house. From Michelle's house.

After everyone learned the truth, they started to turn away from him. They tried to help him, but he didn't want to lose his dad, and they couldn't watch him die. Now, he doesn't talk to anyone, sit with anyone, or even look at anyone. He's like a ghost, and that kills Michelle. She wanted to continue talking to Anthony, but he pushed her away. Deep down, she believed he blamed her for his mom's death, but she wanted to at least apologize to him.

So, after saying goodbye to her friends, she quickly runs out the school gates and runs after Anthony. "Chilled! Wait, Chilled!"

Anthony stops when he hears her, and turns around. Once she is in front of him, he turns back around and says, "Get lost, Minx. I have to get home."

"Anthony, please. We need to talk."

"Leave me alone."

"I'm sorry for what happened."

He stops and looks back at her. "What?"

"I know you blame me for what happened to your mom, but I want you to know that I'm sorry. I never thought something like that would ever happen, and I'm so sorry I had you over so late."

Anthony blinks a couple times before he shakes his head. "Minx... I don't blame you for what happened."

"What? Then, why do you keep pushing me away?"

"..."

"Chilled?"

"I wanted to protect you... I don't blame you for what happened... But someone else does."

"... Your dad."

He nods. "He blames us both for what happened, but he mainly blamed you. But, there was no way we could have known she would have gotten in that accident. And besides, it's that drunk's fault if anything. He was the one who got behind the wheel while wasted."

"That's true." She then smile at him and sigh. "You have no idea how happy I am that you don't blame me."

"Minx, I'm sorry I made you think that I did."

"Don't worry about it."

The two start talking more, kind of starting to catch up. Anthony may have pushed all of everyone away, but he never stopped caring for any them. Before Michelle knew it, they were at the door to her house. Wait, what the- I didn't even realize we were walking while we were talking, she thought.

"Thanks for walking me home, Chilled... but, won't your dad get mad if he knew you were talking to me again?"

"Not if I get home before he does."

They both smile at the comment and Michelle turns away to open her door, but when she hear Anthony say her name, she turns back to him. That's when he leans in to kiss her on the cheek before he runs home to beat his dad.

Michelle was shocked. She never realized that Anthony liked her. Her cheeks turn red as she slides her hand on top of the cheek he had just kissed. "After all this time, why did you never say anything?"

She slowly walks into her house and goes up to her bed room, where she puts her bag on her desk and lays back on her bed. Anthony and her had been friends for years. How long had he had these feelings for her? She wanted to know so badly, but she was afraid. Anthony's dad has no problem beating up his son, the only thing he has left, so what will stop him from hurting someone he blames for his wife's death?

Michelle looks over to her nightstand and sees an old picture of her and Anthony. She smiles at the picture. It was a gift to her from Anthony's mom. Both her and Anthony had the picture, and she remembers that Anthony always kept his copy in his locker at school...

Michelle sits up and shakes her head, clearing all the worries and doubts from her head. Now was not the time to worry about getting her by some bully. She knew that after that, she just had to talk to Anthony. She knew that he already had a big head start, but she also knew that they would have another hour before Anthony's dad got home.

As fast as she could, she jumps off of her and and runs out of the house, trying to make up for lost time. Michelle runs several blocks to Anthony's neighborhood, but stops when she gets to the end of it. Air is cut out as her heart hits the floor. There are police cars surrounding Anthony's house, and his dad is in the back of one of the police cars.

Slowly, Michelle walks up to one of the officers and asks him what happened.

Neither her, nor Anthony knew it, but his dad never went to work. He was going to pick Anthony up from school until he saw him and Michelle walking to her house. That made him snap. He followed them to her house and watched as his son tried to kiss her before running away. He then picked up Anthony on the side of the road, and forced him in the house. His dad called the police and told them everything as he pulled out a gun. He then killed Anthony as he was trying to run away, and while he was still on the phone with them.

Michelle looks over to Anthony's dad, who is staring dead at her. He looks so evil and cold. She wasn't even sure if he had a soul anymore. Tears then run down her cheeks as he mouths the words, "You took the love of my life. So I took your's."

***

One by one, all of Anthony's friends place a rose on top of his grave. Tears fall to the ground as they sob over losing one of the best friends they could ever ask for. Michelle was the last person to place down a rose. She blamed herself, yet again, for Anthony's death. If only she hadn't talked to him. Maybe he would be-

She lends down and kisses his grave stone, whispering sorry as she gets back up. All of her friends gather close and hold her. Little did she know, they all blamed themselves as well, simply for not speaking up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **If you or someone you know is being abused, do not be afraid to get help for them. Even if they don't realize it right away, you are saving them. If you wait for them to get the help they need, or for the abuse to stop, it might be too late. So please, speak up.**
> 
> **Also, don't drink and drive. Always have a friend stay sober or you yourself stay sober to make sure everyone gets home safely. If you and/or your friends are not sober, then call a taxi, Uber, or Lyft.**


	7. Stay Silent (GaLty)

A wedding. There is no where else you will find so much love in one place. Family and friends gather together to share the love that two simple people have for each other. However, behind that love, there is also so much sadness.

Tears fill the room, most from joy, but for John, it is from his broken heart.

It seemed like yesterday that John had him in his arms. Only a few days ago that they were going out on dates every week, playing together every day, and sleeping in the same bed every night. But, all of that was years ago. It was also many years ago when John met Tom, and Anthony became suspicious about his intentions with his boyfriend.

Although John and Tom were nothing but friends, Anthony felt that there was more between them, and he had told John about these feelings. John ignored Anthony's feeling and continued his friendship with Tom, and day by day, Anthony started getting pushed away. After a very stupid fight over Tom, John had walked out and met up with the very friend that was the cause of the fight, and they started drinking. It wasn't until the next morning when John had realized his mistake. 

He came clean to Anthony about the night before in tears, but Anthony had gone cold. He wanted John out. He didn't want to see him again. It took the two years to talk to each other and they had just become friends again. The fact that Anthony invited John to the wedding was a bit surprising, but he wasn't too surprised after he found out who he was marrying.

Now, John sits in a crowd of people, watching the love of his life marry one of his best friends. And now, the chance to speak up has come.

"If anyone objects to this marriage, let them speak now, or forever hold your peace."

All John has to do is stand and tell Anthony that he loves him. Tell him that he was sorry for that one, stupid night, and that he wants him back. But he doesn't.

John hangs his head as tears start to fall from his face. As much as he loves Anthony, he can't ruin his wedding day. So he kisses away his final chance to tell Anthony that he loves him, and he doesn't stand up until the people around him do to clap for them. He forces a smile and will congratulate him on his marriage. He will hold his feelings close to his heart until the day he dies, no matter how much it hurts him. For all he now wants, is for GaLm to be happy. Whether it be with him, or without him.

He then takes a deep breath and look to his right, only to see an empty seat. He looks around, and realizes that his current boyfriend was gone. Confused, he turns to his friends, Adam and Cathy and asks, "Have you guys seen Chilled anywhere?"


	8. Black Widow (Krinx)

They say loving me is like mating with a black widow; for everyone who loves me dies. But no one knows the truth.

Every relationship I've been in has been the same since I moved here.

I would go out for a stroll, or go out for a drink with my friends, and then, he would walk in. A nice looking boy, either passing through town, or just moving in, and my bright purple hair catches his eye. It never takes long for them to come over and start talking to me. By the end of our chat, no matter what, I've gotten them to drop their plans to stay with me.

It takes no more than a couple days to have my arms wrapped around them. We'd walk through town, showing each other off, and pretend not to hear the townies as they talk about the rumors. By this time, he has already learned about my past relationships from me, and seeing me cry from the whispers builds up inside of him.

By the end of the month, he finally snaps. Every townie who so much as gives me the side eye is now a target for him to scream at. He stands up for me, but he goes too far for my liking. I try to stop him, and soon he screams at me.

With tears in my eyes, I make sure that everyone sees me run home, away from him, knowing he will not follow. Instead, he will go to the flower shop across town, to buy a dozen roses to apologize with. By this time, it will be close to sunset, and he will try to take a shortcut through the park. Everyone knows not to go through the park at night; however, he is still new to town, and it always slips my mind to tell them.

Once I see that it is getting dark out, I put my lights on a timer, all except my bedroom lights. Then, I sneak out of my house, and go to the park. By now, only a few lower lives are out, so I never worry about them seeing me. 

Once I find him I hug him, crying, telling him I was worried sick. He apologizes and gives me the flowers. I accept them and take his hand, leading him to a pond in the middle of the park.

This is where I tell him about my first love. She was an old friend that I fell in love with, and she back. We lost our families due to the fact that they didn't accept us; but we had each other, so we never cared.

I talk about how much she loved nature, and how she would always come to a similar pond in our old town nearly daily. I laugh as I say that there were far too many times that she would stay out until night, just to see the moonlight bounce off of the water.

My voice then starts to shake as I remember the horrible night. He will think me telling him the story would be a heat of the moment accident, but I want him to know.

It was a normal night for us. Knowing that Krism was going to be home late, I had made dinner an hour later then I normally would. I started setting the table just minutes before our meal was done in the oven, but stopped when there was a knock on the door. Thinking it was Krism, I went to answer it.

Giggling, I ask, "Bebe, did you forget your keys agai-" but stop when I see two policemen at my door.

They tell me something horrible had happened to my Krism. That a young man passing through town saw her walking home, and thought she was an escort. When she rejected him, he decided to beat her out of anger, and he killed her. When I last saw her, I saw that he had beat her so hard that one of her beautiful brown eyes had turned red.

Tears fall from my face as I say, "I can only image the pain she went through. Not even my still broken heart could match that horrible, slow death!"

He would then comfort me, and try to make me smile, but I know the only way to make me truly smile. I turn my head to the pond and randomly say, "You know, it's dangerous for us to be here, because this pond is actually a well-known dumping ground for our town's mafia."

Believing that I'm warning him of the danger we are most likely in, he suggests that we leave. I turn back to him and, ignoring what he just said, I say, "It's simply perfect, because the police never look my way when a new body shows up."

He then stares at me, jaw hanging open and eyes widen, staring at my now smiling face. However, my words and smile are not the cause of his shocked expression. It is the knife I had tucked in my pants now shoved deep into his heart that is the cause of it.

I then calmly push his body into the shallow pond and walk out of the park, never looking back to him. When I sneak my way back into my house, it is almost completely dark, excluding my bedroom, which tells my nosy neighbor that I was home all night, creating my alibi.

I drop my knife in a bucket of bleach in my kitchen, throw my clothes in the wash, and then take a quick shower to clean off any of the blood that may have gotten on me. Then, before I go to bed, I pull out a picture of my beautiful Krism, place it on my nightstand, and stare at her smiling face until I fall asleep.

They say, loving me is like mating with a black widow; for everyone who loves me dies. But they don't know the truth. The spider will love her mate before she kills them. I love none of the men to come into my life. Not after the first one almost got away with murdering my wife.


	9. Last Drive (MiniCat)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **Hey Foxes!**
> 
> **Before you read this story, I want to really fast hit on when this was written. Reason why is because, I am a fan of Mini, and this is an old story. However, this was written back in February of 2017, a few days before Mini was hit by a truck. I had live-streamed the writing of this on Twitch, and after I heard about Mini, I had put off posting this for months.**
> 
> **Please understand that I mean no disrespect by posting it or reposting it. I had just worked really hard when I wrote it before, and I don't want that to be thrown away because of a tragic accident. I love Mini, and hope nothing but the best for him from here on out, and am amazed to see him succeed now.**
> 
> **Okay. Thank you for reading this. Please enjoy the actual story.**

Harsh wind and rain crash against me, causing my body to shiver. I think I've walked about ten miles now, but I still have so much more to walk. There's somewhere I need to be, and a little rain isn't going to stop me. Nor will my aching feet. This is something I need to do. There's something that I need to do.

*Three Months Earlier*

"Come on babe," I yell up to Craig. "We're going to be late!"

He finally comes walking down the stairs, but he's still combing his wet hair. "Oh, don't you worry, big boy," he says in the gayest voice he can make. "I'm ready for you."

I roll my eyes and shake my head. "If I wanted to wait an hour for someone to get ready, I'd date chicks."

"It's only been thirty-five minutes, and we're just going to a small party with our friends. Relax babe," he says as he wraps his arms around my neck. He then gives me a sweet, long kiss, which I have no problem returning.

After we separate, wrap my arm around him and lead him out of our house, and to the car. I open his door for him, letting him go in first, and just as I close it, my phone starts to ring. It's Evan.

Before I answer, I hold up one finger towards Craig and turn away. "Where are you guys?"

"Mini took forever getting ready again. We're on our way now."

"Well hurry, everyone is getting antsy."

"Alright, alright; you picked up the ring at the jeweler's, right."

"Of course; just hurry and get over, man."

The moment I hang up the phone, I quickly run into the car and start it. "Who was that," Mini asks as he puts on his seat belt.

"Just Evan, asking where we were," I say as I pull out of our driveway.

"Tyler, you know I don't like it when you drive without your seat belt on."

I roll my eyes as I start to roll up to the first stop sign by our house. When we come to a stop, I put it on and look over at him. "Happy?"

"Very," he replies before leaning over and rewarding me with another sweet kiss.

I smile and turn my attention back onto the road in front of me. The moment I get us out of the neighborhood, I start to speed a little. That gets us out of the town within five minutes, meaning we're soon surrounded by nothing but forest. I know that this area is practically nothing more than a straight line to Evan's cabin, so I have no problem picking up even more speed.

Mini quickly notices the chance in speed, and he starts to freak out. He grabs the handle on the top of the window and my shoulder and says, "Tyler, slow down!"

"We'll be fine, babe. I'm just trying to get us there faster."

"I don't care! Slow down! You're going twenty miles over the speed limit!"

I turn my head slightly to look over to him. "Craig, just calm down; we're on a straight road to Evan's cabin. No twist, no turns."

"Yeah, but we're in the woods, and the biggest thing we really have to worry about are," his eyes suddenly go wide and his hand jumps from my shoulder to the side of my face. I feel him start to put pressure against my face, turning it back to the road. My eyes then go wide, as he yells, "DEER!"

Time slows down around me as I see a buck staring directly at me with giant, terrified eyes. I quickly slam on the brakes and turn the wheel to the left, hoping I can go around it. However, the sound of my tires screeching seems to snap it back to reality, and he tries to get out of the road, but he ends up running back in front of my car.

The moment I see the bastard running across the road, I turn the wheel to the right, just barely missing him. My car begins to swerve as I try to take back control and straighten my car out. However, I fail to do so. My car swerve off the road, and the last thing I remember hearing is the sound of metal smashing in on itself, and the heartbreaking screams of Mini.

I woke up several hours later in the hospital, with all of my friends around me. Anthony couldn't shut up about how amazing it was that I'm alive. The car was destroyed, yet somehow, I got out of it with only a broken leg and a couple bruises and scratches. However, when I ask about Craig, he shuts up.

Evan starts to silently cry as he walks over to me and hands me the silver ring I was planning on giving to him. This, plus the tears now building up in everyone's faces, tells me everything, and I break down.

***

I stop walking and take a long, hard look at the area around me. Turning back, I can see the spot where I slammed on the breaks. Looking in front of me, I see the damn buck that ran across the road, trying to keep himself safe. Then, I take a deep breath and turn around, walking into the small area of grass separating the road from the forest.

In the grass, I can very plainly see the marks from my tires as my car ripped out the grass, trying to bring us to a stop. My heart breaks as I see a couple of the roots from one of the trees stick out of the ground, from when my car smashed into it with so much force, that it barely started to tip over.

I then fall to my knees and start sobbing, There, in front of that tree, lays a cross with a picture of my Mini. Flowers are placed all around it, left by our friends and his family. Some of his family gave me draggers at his funeral. I don't blame them.

Because, right here, where I'm crying like a bitch, is where my car spun into the tree. That crushed the passenger side door more into my car, and when Mini's head was thrown around... at least he didn't suffer long. However, I will suffer for the rest of my life, knowing he will no longer be by my side.


	10. Anything For Him (Vantoonz)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***This story was inspired by the song Satisfied from the musical, Hamilton.***

"I love you."

Those three words hit me hard in the heart the moment they left his lips. Here I am, in front of a beautiful lake with the man that I have loved for so many years, and he is telling me that he loves me. Anyone would be overjoyed by this, expect, I'm not.

Right now, I want to wrap my arms around the smaller man and pick him up, spinning around as I yell that I love him, but I can't. I want to kiss those beautiful lip that those three words just left, but I can't. I want to take his hand and caress his cheek, telling him that I'm going to stay by his side from now on, but I can't.

I've been in love with Evan for years, and I've been so nervous to ever say anything to him. Only a few months ago, he told me and my best friend that he was going to come to town for a get away. I was so excited, and I decided that I was going to finally go through with this. I was going to tell him I was in love with him, and for those following months, I did everything I could to build up the courage to do it.

Last week, I was in a call with him and my best friend, and we were talking about everything that we would do when he got here. After a couple of hours, he left, and just before I could leave, he got my attention.

"Hey, Luke."

I turn to the computer, seeing that he had turned on his facecam. Whenever Jonathan wanted to talk about something important, he would always do this, so I put everything I had to do aside, and prepared myself for anything he needed.

"What's up?"

"I need your help with something."

"What is it?"

He looks away, a blush coming to his face, before he tells me, "Well, I have a crush on someone, and I want to ask them out. I just don't know how I can go about it."

I laugh, "What are we in high school? Come on man, just ask this person out. You're a great guy, and I know that they would love to be with you."

"The thing is, I don't know if he would be into me."

"They'd have to be fucking stupid to say no to you. But you will never know if you have a chance with them if you don't try. Just ask him out, and see what happens."

He smiles and thanks me, and I ask to hear more about the man he is in love with. We end up staying in the call for an extra hour as he tells me all about this guy that he is love with. Everything he loves about him, how he makes him feel, and how he is the only other person he could turn to for anything other than myself. I can't help but smile as he goes on and on about this guy without ever telling me his name. I've known Jon for so many years, and I've never seen him so crazy about anyone. In my head, I can't help but think about how I always want to see him this happy, and I decide that I'm going to make sure that these two end up together.

However, I stupidly wait until he's about to leave to ask, "Who is this guy anyways?"

He sighs and looks off camera, so much love beaming from his eyes before he tells me, "It's Evan."

I gulp and look down to the ground as I'm faced with something I never wanted to be faced with. I want to tell Evan how much I love him, and I want to be with him, but I can't do it. Jonathan is my best friend. He's like a brother to me. I know him better than anyone else, and I know that if I were to say I loved Evan, he would pretend to be happy for us, but he would be dying inside.

"I-I'm sorry. I don't feel the same way," I lie. I look up and see a crashed expression on Evan's face, telling me that he was really hoping I would tell him how much I loved him back.

"B-but, I know someone who does love you." I then turn around and point to the pier, where Jon is sitting by himself, watching the sunset beyond the trees. "Delirious has had a thing for you for years, but, you know him, he's really shy. He's been wanting to ask you out for the longest time, and I know that he would love a chance to be with you."

"I don't know," he says with a little pain in his voice. "I haven't really thought of him and I being together."

"But you know a lot of people have. Him included. Just give it a shot."

He looks down and back to Delirious before he sighs. "I guess it wouldn't be a bad thing. I mean, we are really good friends already."

I force a smile and pat him on the back. "Then go for it, man."

He smiles and gives me a quick hug before he walks over to Delirious. I feel my heart break more and more the closer he gets to him, and I feel tears starting to build up in my eyes. As the sunsets and darkness starts to build around me, I watch the love of my life take a seat next to my best friend. I just keep watching as they start to talk, and only turn away when I see Delirious jump into his arms.

I start to walk to my truck, crying as I get in, and trying to pull myself together. I know Jon better than anyone else, and I know that he is crazy about Evan, and Evan will soon fall in love with him, I know he will. It's hard not to love him.

Jonathan deserves to be happy, no matter how much it hurts me. I will do anything for him, no matter what it costs me. And now, he will be happy, with the one man I loved more than anything. Well, almost anything.

_I hope you two are happy together._


	11. Ghost (Ohmtoonz)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***This story was inspired by the song Out Loud by Gabbie Hanna.***
> 
> ***Trigger Warning***

One year. It was exactly one year ago today that my world was destroyed. And it's all my fault.

I roll my head back, resting it on my bed, as my tears fall onto my hands. There is nothing but silence, and that's all that has filled this house ever since I lost him. His pictures are all over the room, all staring at me, all filled with happy memories. Memories that I want back, but can never touch.

I should have been the one to leave. I was the one who started that fight, so I should have been the one who stormed out. I should have been the one to go on that walk around the city, and I should have been the one who got mugged. I should have been beaten and stabbed. I should have died. Not you.

I take his picture from the nightstand and run my thumb along the side of his face. His smile and laughter still haunt my dreams. His hugs and kisses are my nightmares. The idea of waking up to his warm touch is a drug that I want, but I can never have again.

My tears fall into the picture, and I think of the wasted time. For one year, I've locked myself in this room, only leaving to get food. I stopped working, stopped talking to my friends. I stopped living. That is what my life has become, and you were the one who was killed. If you were still alive, you would have done so much by now.

It's not fair that I waste every second I'm alive doing nothing but sit on this floor and cry over you, but I can't bring myself to do anything else. I don't know how to live without you. I can't keep going.

I kiss the picture in my hand, open the locker under my bed, and pull out my gun. My hand starts shaking as I pull back the hammer and place the gun to the side of my head. I take a deep breath, shut my eyes, and in my head, I say, _I'll be with you soon, Ohmie._

Just as I'm about to pull the trigger, I suddenly feel something weird. It feels like someone is touching my hand, but it feels so cold that I think it could have been frozen in a block of ice. I move the gun from my head, open my eyes, and look up. There, I see my Ohmie.

"R-Ryan?"

Without saying anything, he moves onto his knees, and looks into my eyes. Tears build up even more, as I put my gun down and try to hug him, only for my arms to go through him. I look at him again, and see that he is transparent.

I sigh and look down, disappointed in myself for thinking that I could hold my Ohmie again, when I know that he's gone. I feel him put his hand on my shoulder and his other hand go under my chin. He makes me look into his eyes before he speaks. He still has his calming voice, but it has a echo to it now.

"It's okay, Toonzy. You're going to be okay."

"How can you say that? I can't live without you. I need you in my life, Ohmie. There's so much more that I wanted to do with you, so much that I wanted to say, and I will never get to say any of it now!"

I start sobbing as I pull my face away from him, feeling horrible for never telling him how much he really meant to me. His cold arms wrap around me, and he says, "Then tell me now."

I sniffle and catch my breath, before I can find the right words. "I love you so much, Ohmie. You're my everything, and I need you so much more than anyone could ever understand. Even when you were still here, whenever I was out with our friends, when you weren't there, I felt lost. And now that you're gone, I feel like I'm trapped in a building with no lights or windows, and I can't find a way out."

I pull my knees into me and start crying harder again. "I'm sorry for starting that stupid fight. I don't even remember what it was about, and it makes me feel even worse for what happened to you."

"Luke, that was not your fault. I should have been smarter than to go that deep into the city without having something to protect myself."

"But I should have been there to protect you! I should have been there... I should be dead, not you."

"Don't you ever say that, Luke. I love you so much, and I wouldn't be able to live without you." I turn my head to him and see him starting to cry as well. "I know that this is hard for you, but you need to move on. I don't want you to live like this, just like how you wouldn't want me to live like this either."

He hugs me even tighter than before, and I can feel some warmth coming from him. Tears are still running down my face as I try to take in as much of his warmth, of his love, as I can. Then, I ask, "How long can you stay here with me?"

"Not long. I have to leave. But, I need you to make me a promise. You have to live again. You need to go back to living your life, and you need to try to move on."

I shake my head, "I don't know how I can do that, Ohmie. I miss you so much. I need you."

"You need to try, Toonzy. Please, for me, at least try to keep going. Do it for me."

Tear fall faster, my eyes are burning, and I'm choking on the words. However, I manage to finally say, "I'll try. I promise, I'll try, Ohmie."

Soon, his warmth fades away, and the cold air around me leaves with it. I look next to me and see the gun still sitting on the ground, and he is no where to be seen. I pick up the gun, and put it back in the locker, shutting it and setting the lock. I then pick up the picture again and hug it.

"I'll try to live for you, Ohmie. I'll try."


	12. Monster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Trigger Warning***

"Hey Ryan," I hear my friend, Jonathan, say as he sits next to me. "Have you lost weight, man? You're looking good."

"Come on, Jon," Bryce says as he sits next to him. "As if you can tell how he looks through that baggy hoodie he always wears."

"I can see it in his face. It's looking slimmer."

I chuckle, "Thanks."

_He's lying._

"So, what did you guys want to do for lunch," Luke asks. "I feel like getting a grilled steak."

"I'm just going to get a cheese burger," Jonathan says, eyeing the burger stand in the middle of the mall food court with a giant shark eating a burger on it.

"I'm just going to get a sub sandwich," Bryce says.

They then turn to me. I sigh, knowing I can't get out of this. Scanning the food court, numbers keep popping up into the air.

_200\. 153. 400. 400. 160. 150. 173. 300. 350._

_Too much! Too much! Too much! Too much!_

My eyes land on a smoothie stand at the end of the food court and I smile. "I'm just going to get a yogurt bowl from there."

Jonathan and Luke both stare at me. "Are you sure that's enough for you," Jonathan asks.

_Told you! He thinks you're still as fat as ever! This was a bad idea. We shouldn't be here._

"Yeah, I had a big breakfast, so I'm not all that hungry."

They continue to eye me, but they don't push the subject. The four of us then get up and walk to the different food stands we decided to go to. When I get to the smoothie stand, I just order the bowl with the least calories and take it back to the table.

Luckily, I'm the first person back. I take a couple napkins from the box in the middle of the table and look to each stand my friends went to. Once I know that they all aren't looking, I start scooping some of the yogurt into them and throwing them into the trash can near me.

I continue to do this until I see Bryce and Jonathan walking back with their food. They sit next to me and they start eating and talking. "So, what do you want to do after this," Bryce asks.

"Why don't we go see a movie," Jonathan suggests. "There are so many movies out right now that I've been dying to see."

"You always want to watch horror movies though," Bryce complains.

"You never complained before."

"Yeah, because it was just us at home."

I look down to the half empty bowl and I start messing around with it. I never planned on eating this, but they came back before I was able to get rid of most of it. If there was only two or three spoonfuls, I could choke it down. But this, it's so much.

"Ryan!" I look up and see Luke now sitting in front of me, and Jonathan and Bryce are staring at me. "Are you okay man?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just spaced out a little. So, what's up?"

"Well, we were just talking about which movie we were going to see. What did you feel like seeing?"

_Small popcorn: 225. Medium: 430. Large without butter: 1030. With it-_

"I don't know. I think I might head home."

"What," Jonathan and Luke say at the same time.

"But we haven't seen each other in so long," Luke complains.

"And we just got here. Why did you want to leave?"

"I'm just not feeling too hot."

"Well, at least stay until we're all done eating," Luke says. "It's hard enough as it is to hang out since we all started working and going to college. The least we could do is eat lunch together."

I gulp and nob my head, agreeing to staying and doing this. Looking back down to the bright pink yogurt, I take a deep breath and put a spoonful into my mouth.

***

_Disgusting! Fatass! Pathetic! Worthless! I can't believe you ate so fucking much!_

Hot tears are pouring down my face as I throw up into the toilet. I'm still in the mall for now, but I had already gone separate ways with my friends. I just couldn't let that yogurt stay inside me for that much longer. I needed to get it out of me.

Once I'm done throwing up, I flush the toilet and walk out of the stall, only to see my friends standing in front of the doorway. I could have sworn they went to the movies already.

"Not feeling hot, ha," Bryce says, shaking his head to me.

"Ryan," Jonathan says as he takes a step towards me, but I stop him when I say.

"Don't even try. I'm just sick."

"Ryan, we know that isn't true," Luke says, looking down. "Mike call us a couple weeks ago and told us he was worried about you."

_That fucking nosy asshole._

"He told us that you hadn't been eating that much," Bryce says. "But when you do eat, you always rush to the bathroom. He also told us that he always sees you at the gym on campus."

"What's wrong with me going to the gym?"

"Every day? For eight hours a day?! That's unhealthy!"

_He isn't actually trying this shit, is he?! Mister "I can eat a whole pizza by myself"! He has no room to tell you what you can and can't do!_

"Look Bryce, not everyone was born with the fucking gift of being able to eat whatever the hell you want and not gain a single fucking pound! Some of us have to work to look good, so don't you dare tell me what I can do!"

"Whoa," Jonathan steps in. "Ryan, calm down."

"Of course! Come to the aid of your little boyfriend! God knows you'll always jump at the chance to help him, and never look anywhere else to help your friends!"

"Ryan," Luke yells. "We are trying to help you!"

"Well, I never asked for your help, because I don't fucking need it! Now, it's clear that that's all you fucking wanted to see me for, so I'm going home!"

I push my way past all of them and quickly run to my car in the parking lot. I had never gone so fast before in my life, but I just couldn't see them. I had to get as far away from all of them as I possibly could.

Once I'm back at the dorms, I run to the fourth floor and quickly walk into my room. I'm one of the lucky few college kids that don't have roommates, so the moment I walk in, I practically rip off my hoodie and t-shirt and slip out of my jeans. I grab my sweat pants and put them on and quickly start looking for a workout shirt. As I look, I catch myself in the full length mirror, causing me to stop.

I can clearly see my collarbone and ribs through my skin, but that isn't what catches my eye. It's the few rolls of fat still on my stomach. I need to get rid of that. I need to have a six pack. I need to look better. I can't be fat.

_The longer you look at me,_ my reflection tells me. _The more time you are wasting. I told you seeing them was a bad idea. I told you we should have stayed. Now we're behind!_

_Hurry up! Get your shirt on and run downstairs! We have a lot of work to do!_

I nod and quickly grab a shirt, slipping it on and running out of the room. I need to lose this weight. I need to look better.

_And no body will ever understand your need like I do._


	13. All I Have Left (SeaMexican)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***This story was inspired by the song Dead to Me by Melanie Martinez.***

Tears are falling down the faces of everyone around me as we watch my brother's body get lowered into the ground. He was found with a rope around his neck by his boyfriend a couple days ago, and it destroyed us. We never even knew he was suicidal, yet, it took him away from us.

"I'm sorry for your lose, Ms. Gonzalez. Jamie was an amazing man, and it hurts knowing that he's gone," I hear someone say.

I look over and see Jamie's boyfriend, Adam, handing a white rose to my mom, as my dad holds her close to him. She takes the flower and thanks Adam before she and my dad turn to the rest of my family to talk to them. Adam then looks over to me and locks eyes with me. Not long after catching his eye, I turn back to my brother, and sigh.

Not going to lie, I had always had a crush on Adam, but Jamie got him first. Now, I could try to make a move on him, however, I don't want to. Well, I do, but my brother is just getting put into the ground. Now is the worst time to do anything to catch his attention.

"I'm sorry for your lost," I hear Adam say as he walks next to me.

"I'm sorry too. It must have been horrible to see him like that. Did you have any idea why he would do that?" I look over to Adam and see tears starting to build up in the corners of his eyes.

"No. As far as I knew, he was happy. I... I never thought he would-" he gets cut off by his tears, which quickly over take him, causing him to start crying into his hands.

I grit my teeth and slowly put my arm around him, trying to comfort him. The moment my hand touches his shoulder, he turns to me and buried his face into my shoulder. He sobs heavily, his body is shaking, and he is holding onto my suit as if it's the only thing that will keep him from drowning in his tears. I know this will make my family look at me like I'm a monster, but I can't let him stay like this. So, I wrap my arms around him and hold him close to me, hushing him and trying to calm him down.

_I'm so sorry, Jamie._

***

Some time goes by since the funeral and, as I expected, my family was disgusted by my behavior there. Mainly because, I spent the entire day talking to Adam. I couldn't help myself. Everything about him made my heart beat harder than it really should have. Even harder than after I have a couple cigarettes.

It doesn't help my case that Adam and I started dating a week after Jamie's funeral either. As my mother yelled, "You couldn't have even waited until his body turned cold!" Not like it mattered. I wanted Adam, and Adam wanted me. We were a match made in heaven, so I wasn't going to let my family get in the way of that.

One by one, members of my family stopped talking to me because of my decision, but that still didn't stop me. After two months of dating, Adam and I started living together. We had a routine, and it worked beautifully. At least, for some time it did.

Around the three month mark, Adam started getting a little clingy. He just wouldn't give me space. He wanted to spend every second of the day with me, which quickly started annoying me. We started fighting because of it.

Around four months into the relationship, he started getting jealous of everyone. Friends, co-workers, random strangers on the street. If he thought I even looked at them, he would get jealous and pick a fight with either me or the poor soul he thought I was checking out. He deleted numbers from my phone, deactivated my all of my social media accounts, and threatened anyone that tried to reach out to me. Eventually, I lost everyone I cared about. And Adam was to blame for it.

I should have left a long time ago, however, I stayed. That is, until now. We've now been together for six months, and yet again, we're fighting. He wants me to quit my job and spend all my time with him, and I've had enough of it.

I slam my hands on the table, I scream at him to "fuck off" and tell him that we're done. I don't want to live like this anymore. I've lost almost everything, and I was so stupid to stay for so long. Right now, the best thing I could do for myself would be to pack up my shit and leave, and that's exactly what I planned to do.

Leaving him by the table, I storm into our bedroom and grab a bag, packing it up with as much clothes as I can. When I walk out of the room, Adam is standing in front of the only way out of the apartment.

"You are not going anywhere, Maxie."

"Get out of my way, Adam."

"No."

"I'm not doing this," I say before I push him out of my way and start walking out.

"Maxie, stop!" I don't turn around. I keep walking, making my way to the door, but stop when I feel something hit the back of my head.

Turning around, I see Adam has a twisted, evil look on his face. I'm so catch off guard by just his look alone, I don't even realize he's holding up one of our lamps until it comes crashing down on my head. The second I hit the ground, I hear ringing in my ear, and everything goes dark.

When I open my eyes, I see that the apartment is dark, except for the bedroom. There's a bright light coming from there, but I can't see what it is. I'm feeling really light headed, and I want to get up, but my head hurts so much. When my vision starts to clear up, I suddenly see something. It's... It's Adam. He's standing in front of the doorway to our bedroom, and there's something coming out of it. However, that isn't what catches my attention. It's the cigarette in his hand.

"Adam? Why are you smoking? You never liked the smell of cigarettes."

"No, I hate it. But you love smoking, don't you?" He pushes himself off of the doorframe and slowly walks over to me. "You know, I've always been bad in relationships. When I fall for someone, I fall hard. And boy, did I fall for you, Maxie. You knew how to make me feel loved. If only it had lasted."

He walks to the end of the couch and says, "You know what I'm worse at though? Breaking up. The idea of you being with some other whore when you should be with me pisses me off more than anything. So, like with Jamie, I'm not going to let that happen."

"What," I ask before I start coughing a little.

"Didn't you listen to me at the funeral? Jamie was happy. He didn't want to die."

"Then... Then what-"

"I killed him, Maxie," he says way too calmly. My eyes widen. "I was the one who wrapped that rope around his neck. I was the one who pulled the rope until he couldn't breathe, and I was the one who made it look like he killed himself. That's why I was the one who found him and called it in."

"Wh-why," I practically yell before I start coughing again. I suddenly feel like my lungs are about to collapse, but I need to know.

"Because he wanted to leave me." He starts laughing. "Can you believe it? He wanted to leave me, and here's what kills me. He wanted out, because he didn't like that I was trying to pull him away from you and your family! The same fucking family that turned their backs on you when we started dating!"

I shake my head and push myself up. Adam flicks his cigarette towards me, but it misses me and lands somewhere behind me. He then lights up another cigarette and blows the smoke my way.

"I have to say though, I went after the wrong man first. Between you and him, I really have grown to love you more than anything, Maxie. Which is why, I don't want to leave you. I want you to stay with me. Please Maxie. Will you stay with me?"

I shake my head again. I start coughing again, and I feel like my lungs are getting smaller or tighter. My throat is starting to burn, but I still yell out, "Are you fucking psychotic?! You just told me you killed my fucking brother! There's no way in hell I would ever want to be with you!"

He sighs and looks away from me. "I was hoping you would say something else. I guess I better call for help though to create my alibi."

"What?"

He giggles and looks back to me. "Why do you think you feel so light headed, silly? I've been outside for quite some time, but you've been in here the entire time." He then smirks at me and I see his features turn somewhat darker. "Why do you think it's so hot in here? Why do you think it's getting harder to breathe?"

I suddenly remember the bedroom. My eyes slowly travel back to the room, where I see flames starting to travel out, into the apartment. The carpet lights up and helps the flames start to travel over to the table in the kitchen, the end table next to my favorite recliner, and the stand that the TV is on. I try to scream but end up coughing some more, the smoke destroying my lungs.

When I look up to where Adam was, I see that he's gone. I roll off of the couch and start dragging myself to the door, only to see that the curtains next to it are on fire to.

_The cigarette he threw at me! The bastard missed on purpose!_

I continue to crawl to the door and try to open it while staying low to the ground. However, something is stopping me from opening the door. I start to stand up to see what the problem is, but before I do, the curtains fall to the ground, ember flying into the air as hits to floor, and some small pieces land on my arm. I scream out in pain and accidentally take a step back, knocking me into the burning TV stand, which catches my pant leg on fire.

I fall to the floor and start patting the fire out on my leg, screaming in pain as tears fall from my face. I can feel the fire already burning my skin and quickly making its way to the tissue under it. I quickly pull my pants off and kick them away from me before I run back to the door. I slam my body into the door, hoping it would knock it down, but it doesn't work.

I hear laughing on the other side before I hear Adam say, "If you die, I'll make sure to give your mother a dozen roses this time."

Fear turns my blood ice cold and I start beating against the door, crying and begging for Adam to open the door. The smoke starts to get to my head, and I find it damn near impossible to breathe. I fall to my knees press my face against the door as the smoke starts to take me away, only for the door to open and I fall face first onto the cold floor outside. The impact is so hard I pass out the second I hit the floor. Or maybe it was because of the lack of oxygen.

Either way, I wake up again hours later, and I'm in far too much pain. The doctors at the hospital explain that they were surprised I was still alive. The fire continued to grow around me and ended up covering most of my body. I may never feel anything in my left leg again, and I'll be lucky if I can ever walk again. Most of my body is covered in gauze and I may have to see if I could get a lung transplant or I'll have to live with an iron lung. In other words, my life is completely over.

Tears are rolling down my cheeks as I cry over the life I had lost. I lost my family, friends, my home, now I'll lose my job and my health. My body. It's all gone.

I hear my door open when I look over, I see **him**. Adam walks in with flowers in his hands, and the moment he sees me, he runs over and pretends to start sobbing. He tells me how happy he is that I'm alive, and that he's going to make sure he stays by my side from now on. From now until forever.

I want to scream and cry and tell this bastard to stay away from me. But... I can't. This bastard ruined my life, and I will never be the same again. He took everything from me. I want him dead, but I don't want him to leave. He can't leave me.

_He's all I have left._


	14. Monster (Part 2)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Trigger Warning***

When I open my eyes, I'm surrounded by nothing. It feels like I'm floating in a mist of white clouds, and I feel lighter than I ever had before. Sitting up, I look around and see the clouds slowly morphing, creating what looks to be a hallway. Confused, I pick myself up and start walking down the hallway. Soon, I come up to a dead end, but notice what looks to be a window in the wall. Something tells me to look through it, so I walk up to the window and look out.

Through it, I see myself. But, it's a younger me. Me when I was only ten, maybe?

I'm playing with my little sister, and my parents are in the next room. My sister is laughing as I make the bunny doll dance, humming a song I know she loves. From the other room, my dad grunts in annoyance. "That's what I'm talking about. A boy his age should be outside playing football, not playing with dolls."

"He's just playing with his sister," my mom tells him. "Just leave him alone."

"When I was his age, I would take my sister's dolls and tease her with them, saying I was going to rip them up or throw them away. Why can't he be like a normal boy and do that instead of being a little bitch?"

I see my smile start to fade a little, but I keep it up for my sister. I see tears trying to build themselves up in the corners of my eyes, but I fight to keep them dry. I watch as time moves forward and an hour goes by. The phone rings and my mom answers it before she calls me over, saying its for me. When I put the phone to my ear, I hear my friend, Luke, laughing on the other side.

"Hey Ryan, do you want to come and play basketball with Jon, Bryce, and me?"

"Who's Bryce?"

"That new kid from school. Turns out, he moved right next door to Jon. So, you want to come?"

I look over and see my little sister, waiting for me to come back to play with her. It's only us, and there aren't a lot of kids her age that lives close by. I'm all she has.

Normally, I would tell them that I couldn't because of her. It was never a lie and they always understood. They knew her and loved her. However, this new guy and my dad either don't know about her or they don't understand.

So, I take a deep breath and turn away from my sister as I say, "Yeah, I'll be over in five minutes."

"Alright, man. See you then."

When I hang up the phone, I look over to my mom and say, "I'm going to play basketball with my friends. I'll be back later," before I run to the front door.

I put on my shoes and grab my backpack before I run out the front door and to the side of the house. As I pull my bike out and am about to get on, I hear the front door open and my little sister runs out, her stuffed bunny doll in her arms.

"Ryan! Wait! I thought you were going to play with me!"

"I play with you all the time! Just let me have some fun for once," I yell at her before I push off and start pedaling away. When I look back, I swear, I can see tears running down her cheeks.

The window fades back into the wall and I'm faced with nothing. I shake my head. "Why did- what was that?"

I turn around and start walking down the hall again before stopping and looking down a new hall. I follow it until I come to another dead end with a window. Walking up, I look through the window and see another scene.

It's me, just about a year or two ago. I'm talking to Jonathan on my laptop. I look to be about sixteen or seventeen at this point. I can see that I'm crying, but the messages I send all look so happy.

We're messaging each other back and forth, talking about how happy he is in his new relationship with Bryce. How happy he is to be out of the closet and how he is hoping for nothing but the best from this point on. I'm telling him I'm happy for him, but inside, my heart is aching. I had a crush on Jon and wanted to be with him, but he was in love with Bryce. I had to be happy for him.

Wiping away my tears, I tell him I had to go before I go offline. I then push myself off the bed and walk to the bathroom, only to find out that the door is locked. I groan in annoyance before I bang on the door.

"It's been an hour! Get out of the bathroom, god damn it!"

"I'm doing my make-up! Leave me alone!"

"You're twelve! You don't need to put on make-up! Dad isn't going to let you have a boyfriend, and it's not like you or your friends are going anywhere special!"

"Leave me alone, Ryan!"

"Ryan," I hear my mom yell from downstairs. "Leave your sister alone!"

"I just want to go to the damn bathroom!"

"Don't you have that tone with me!"

"I don't have a tone! Why is it that ever since dad left, you want to pick a fight with me?!"

"I'm not trying to fight you," she says as she starts walking up the stairs. "I just don't want to hear you fighting with your sister."

"We wouldn't be fighting if she would just get out of the bathroom!"

"Ryan! Stop it!"

"Oh of course! Tell me to stop, like always! Side with her, like always! Because that's all you ever do!"

Turning away, I storm into my bedroom, slamming the door and locking it. Annoyed, I just get back on my laptop and start scrolling through my Facebook feed. The more I scroll, the more upset I become though. Bryce seems to be the type to always want to keep his relationship in the public eye. There are so many pictures of him with Jon that it's killing me on the inside. Then there are pictures of him and a lot of other guys at our school, and they all have the same thing in common. All of them are so thin and toned. Almost all of them have six-pacs. They all look so hot.

When I finally hear my sister get out of the bathroom, I quickly run in and rip my shirt off. That's the first time I've ever taken a really good look at my body. I'm nowhere near fit. I have rolls of fat everywhere on my body. The fact that no one has ever told me about this is... Disgusting.

"... I... I'm going to go for a walk," I say to myself before I put my shirt back on and I leave.

The window starts to fade again, and I turn around. "These windows... They're showing my memories, I guess. But why? Where even am I?"

I shake my head and walk straight back to the first hallway. I go back the way I had first gone until I see another new hallway, which I turn down. However, this time, when I'm about halfway down the hall, I look over and I see another window. Looking through, I see me again. This time, I'm probably nineteen, and I'm in my dorm room.

I'm staring at myself in the mirror and I'm feeling frustrated. "I can't believe I gained weight! I was doing so well! How could I have let this happen," I cry as I stare at my stomach. It isn't that big, but it wasn't the six-pac I was working my ass off for two years for. I just wanted to look good, but my body wasn't working with me.

_Would you like me to help you?_ I jump back as I see my reflection move, staring back at me. _There's no need to be scared. I'm just here to help you. I help a lot of people who don't like the way they look, and I promise, I can help you with your problem too._

"But, I don't need it," I say, confused.

_I wouldn't be here if you really didn't think you needed me. Look, you've been here for a month, and it already looks like you gained the freshmen fifteen. If you really don't think you need me, then I hope you like the freshmen thirty next month._

I gasp and look down at my stomach. "No, I don't-"

_Then would you like my help?_

I look up at my reflection. It's smiling at me, arms crossed. It's waiting for an answer. Finally, I gulp and say, "Please."

The window fades and I turn away. "That happened at the beginning of the school year... That was six months ago... Why am I seeing all of this?"

I walk down the hall until I come to a fork. In the middle is a window, and I look through it. There, I see myself, running on a treadmill in the school gym.

I'm looking down at the miles and it flashes to the time. Thirty minutes. Just ten more on it and I'll be good for cardio. Then, I would work on my arms and legs today. As I run, I look up and see Mike, glaring at me with his arms crossed.

"What are you doing here," he asks me, anger laced in his words.

"I just needed to work out for today."

"Ryan, you promised me you would have lunch with me today!"

"We'll just do dinner instead."

"No, stop it! Ryan, this is so unhealthy!"

"What are you talking about? I'm just trying to get fit."

"You haven't eaten in months, Ryan!"

"Yes I have," I yell back, turning off the treadmill, thinking that maybe this will get him to leave. "I ate with Luke and the others when I went to see them the other day. That shows you that I've been trying."

"You ate half a bowl of yogurt and threw it up! They told me! You're not trying!"

I jump off of the treadmill and get close to him. "I'm fine, Mike! I don't need your help, and I don't need my so-called friends to corner me, claiming its to help me!"

"But you're not doing anything to help yourself! You'll die if you keep doing this!"

"Just fuck off, Mike! I don't need you!"

I then slam my shoulder into him as I walk past him, not looking back.

_Jump onto the bike. Thirty minutes on there should make up for the wasted time._

Sitting on the bike, I barely start moving my legs before I feel lightheaded. My stomach starts to turn, and my hearing starts to go out. Worried, I stand up and pulls myself off of the bike, but lose all feeling in my legs, causing me to fall face first into the ground.

When the window fades, the answers suddenly come to me. "I... I collapsed... I'm... I'm dead."

_No. Don't think of it like that._ I look to my left and see a mirror, with my reflection smiling at me. _Think of it as you are weightless. You're the thinnest you'll ever be. You're better looking than you'll ever be. You're more in control of your life than you ever have been. No stress. Just, weightless._

_Now, why don't you come over here, and you can experience this amazing feeling in full. Just, touch the glass, and become weightless._

I shake my head. "I... I didn't want this!" I look back to the way I came and see that the hallway is now gone.

_But you'll be happier this way. Just come here; trust me._

I sigh, thinking this is now my only choice. I lost everything I had because I wanted to be perfect. I lost my relationship with my sister because I wanted to be the perfect son. I lost my friends and my entire life for just wanting to be the perfect weight.

I'm about to take a step towards the mirror when I hear something behind me. Turning around, I see another window. "But, that last one showed me falling. What's in this one?"

_It doesn't matter! Just get over here!_

Ignoring my reflection, I walk over to the window and look through. There, I see myself. I'm laying in what looks to be a hospital room and there are a bunch of tubes connected to me.

Next to the bed, I see Mike, and he's crying. Suddenly, the door to my room flies open and I see three people staring at me in shock and horror. "Oh god no," Bryce gasps, covering his mouth.

"You god damn bastard," Jon yells as he pushes his way past Luke and he runs next to me. He leans over my bed and looks down at me. "How did we not notice that he was this bad?!"

"He always wore clothes three times his size," Mike tells him through his tears. "I saw him every day, but I never saw him like this!"

Bryce and Luke come over and stand at the foot of my bed, staring at me. Tears are streaming down their faces as they watch my chest rise and fall thanks to a machine. It takes him a while, but Luke finally says," ... I called him mom before we got here... She told me she was going to pick up his sister and call his dad before she came to see him."

"That's good," Mike says, reaching over and taking my hand. "I'm sure he would want his family here to support him."

"Have you told him you liked him yet," Bryce asks Mike, who shakes his head.

"I never had the chance to. When this started, I barely saw him; and after I figured out what he was doing, I just wanted him to stop. I didn't get the chance to talk about my feelings, I just wanted him to get better," his words trail off as he breaks down into more tears. "Now I'll never get the chance too," he practically yells as he starts sobbing into his hands.

Bryce quickly runs over and hugs Mike, while Jon looks up and glares at him. "He isn't dead yet, damn it! Don't talk like this is it! He could still make it through this!"

"Jon, he saw him fall! Even if Ryan does make it through this, yelling at him for being scared isn't going to help him!"

"So I should let him talk like my friend is already dead?!"

"He's my friend too, damn it! And yelling at Mike isn't going to help either of them!"

"Neither will y'all fighting help, so shut the fuck up," Luke yells as he slams his hands on the bed. The three look at him as he shakes his head. "Right now, Ryan is in the biggest fight of his life. All we can do for now is hope and pray that he makes it through. Hope and pray that he wins... And I don't know about y'all, but I'm staying right here until he makes it through."

Jon reaches over and takes my hand. "Same here."

Bryce and Mike nod. "We're not going anywhere," Bryce says as he pats Mike's shoulders.

Time moves forward some and the guys are all sitting around me, watching me and waiting for something to happen. The door opens slowly, and they turn around, watching as my mom, dad, and little sister walk in. My mom practically runs over and throws herself on top of me, screaming and crying. My dad stares at me in shock before he walks over to my mom and gently puts his hands on her. Tears slowly slide down his face, something I had never seen before. My little sister, she just stares at me from the door. I can see her legs shaking and tears trickle down her cheeks.

Mike gets up and walks over to her. They had never met before this day, but that didn't matter. The second he opens his arms, she runs into them, sobbing harder than when we learned that our parents were getting a divorce, and Mike cried with her.

Tears start pouring down my face as I watch the window fade away, only to reappear in front of me. It's open, and I can see myself laying in the hospital bed with all my friends around me. They're all asleep in pretty uncomfortable positions, but they didn't want to leave my side.

_They don't really care about you! They're your enemies! They wanted you to get fat and disgusting, so you would continue being alone! They wanted to laugh at you when you weren't there! They-_

"Shut up," I say, quietly.

_What?_

"I said shut up," I now yell, turning around to face my reflection. "It's perfectly clear that they actually do care about me, even after I told all of them off at one point or another! It doesn't matter what you tell me! I don't care about how I look anymore! I don't care if I'm weightless! I just want to live! I want to go back with them, and God damn it, that's exactly what I'm going to do now! And this time, you're not going to be around to haunt me!"

I then turn away from him and run through the open window. A bright light consumes me, and I feel a heavy weight get pressed against me. Soon, I feel like I'm simply sleeping, but I have a horrible headache that will not go away.

Slowly, I open my eyes and look around me, seeing my friends all fast asleep all around me. It's still dark out, and I want to let them sleep, but this oxygen mask is a little tight around my ears, and I need to get it off. So, I look over and see a little red button. From past experiences, I know that will call the nurse, so I give it a little squeeze.

A minute goes by before a nurse walks in. She just checks all of the machines and bags. I don't think she realizes that I'm even awake, so I give her arm a little poke. This makes her jump and I quickly put a finger to my mouth as best as I can, pointing to my friends. She nods and whispers, "You're awake! That's great! We have to run a few tests to make sure you're okay."

I point to the mask and she slides it off of me. Trying to speak, my voice squeaks and cracks a couple of times. However, I eventually whisper, "Can we do it without waking my friends up? I don't want to bother them." She smiles and nods.

About two hours go by before the sun starts to rise and the first of my friends wake up. When Luke opens his eyes, he pops his back and lets out a loud yawn, causing Jon to throw his hoodie at him. "Shut the hell up, man. You're going to wake Ryan."

"Actually, I would like that," I say with a smile as I sit up in bed.

The sound of my voice causes Luke and Jon to look over to me, wide-eyed. When they see me staring back at them with a smile, they both jump up, Jon knocking Bryce off of him by doing so, causing him to fall on top of Mike. The two run over to me, both talking at once and so fast that I can't even understand what they're saying. The second Mike and Bryce sit up and see what's going on, they quickly join in. I laugh as I hug my friends tightly, not wanting to let them go. Never have I felt so loved, and so wanted. Never have I felt more alive after being so close to death.

Now, I can close the book on my struggle with that monster in the mirror, and move on to more important things.

_Is that so?_

My eyes widen and I start looking around. Sure enough, there's one place where I can see my reflection. The window right next to the door. It's staring at me, a twisted smile on its face and its laughing at me.

_Do you really think it's going to be that easy to get rid of me? Here's a news flash; I'm not going anywhere. No matter how much time goes by, even if you go to rehab, even if you talk to a therapist. No matter what, I'm always going to be with you. I'll always be here, waiting for the day for you to finally be ready to become weightless._


	15. Lighthouse

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***This story was inspired by the song Leave a Light On by Tom Walker.***
> 
> ***Trigger Warning***

The house is completely silent, excluding the ticking from the clock in the living room. My heart is beating harder with each passing second. My heart is breaking more and more each passing day. Every day... Hard to believe that it can still do that with how long I've been doing this.

The door opens from my bedroom, and I hear footsteps coming towards me from the back of the house. The love of my life walks over to the couch, wearing only his pajama pants, and he gives me a kiss before he says goodnight to me.

By now, everything has become a routine. It's routine for me to stay up all night, sitting on this couch in silence. Routine for my boyfriend to go to bed with our dog. Routine for me to fall asleep on here with our cat. Routine... for me to wait for him to come back.

Shutting my eyes, I think back to two years ago. To the worst day of my best friend's life.

I ran into the hospital, tears building up in my eyes as I look for their family. Look for my ex-girlfriend and my best friend. True, she and I had been broken up for several years, but I was so close with her brother... he was practically the little brother I had always wanted. So, when their mom texted me, telling me that they had both been in a car accident, I dropped everything and rushed over.

When I finally found them, I found Jonathan sitting in his bed, staring blankly at the wall in front of him, while his folks cried around him. He had bandages around his head and arm, and he looked like he had just witnessed a murder.

When his doctor came in, I instantly asked him what happened. Their dad told the doctor I was a cousin, just to get the guy to start talking. And honestly, I wish he hadn't.

The doctor told me that the car had hit him and his sister so hard that it ended up killing her, and that he was lucky to have been alive. According to him, the car had hit them from the passenger side, crashing it in... glass shattered everywhere... her head hit the dash before the airbags released... 

I broke down with his parents the moment the doctor was done talking. It was so much to take in, and it hurt so much. However, I never thought about how he was taking it. Not until it was too late.

Weeks had gone by, and I had gotten a call from his parents. They had asked me if I had talked to Jon since the funeral, but unfortunately, I hadn't. Around this same time, I had started getting serious with my boyfriend, and I was spending most of my free time with him. I would text Jon in the morning, just to ask how he was holding up, but he never replied, and I never thought about it. When they told me he had gone missing however, then I started to worry.

I jumped in my truck seconds later and started driving around town, looking everywhere for him. Hours had passed, but his dad ended up calling me, telling me that he showed up. That was the first of many warning signs that I missed. That I should have paid attention to. But I failed him. Because I didn't.

A few months later, I ran into his mom at the store when I was picking stuff up for a date. She told me that Jonathan had started a habit. He would disappear more and more, she didn't know what he was doing or where he was going. It started with a few hours... then it turned to days. From the moment I was talking to her, it had been three days since they had last seen him.

She told me she didn't know what was going on, but the longer she talked, the more I started to see what was happening to my little brother. The more she describe his mood swings, his violent out bursts, his weight loss... It hit me... he was an addict.

I told her that she needed to get him to a rehab center and told her what I think was wrong. Later that night, she called me and told me she found a box under his bed and what she found in it. I broke down hearing it, but hear my world come crashing down when she told me she didn't know where he was still. After a week had passed, she called me again in tears, saying that he still hadn't come home.

It took two full months, but I had finally found him. He looked horrible. Skinny as all hell, pale, needles all around him... and to top it all off, he was curled up on a piece of cardboard.

I had tried to get him to come with me, but nothing I had said would get him to move. He didn't want to leave, because he didn't want to leave his new friends. The ones who could give him everything he wanted.

I left, heartbroken and empty handed, but I knew I had to do something. Then, I had an idea.

I bought a can of spray paint and went back to where I last saw him. He was laying on his side, trying to sleep, but he said my footsteps were too loud. I ignored him and shook the can before I got to work. I spray painted a lighthouse and next to it wrote the words, 'I will leave the light on'.

Then, I turned to him and told him, "When you're ready to get help, just come over. It doesn't matter when you finally wake up or when you come over. Because I will leave the light on for you."

When I open my eyes, I'm back on my couch, just sitting, watching the yard, hoping to see the motion activated lights to come on. Hoping for him to come back, like I have every single day.

I sigh before I stand up and walk outside, grabbing my cigarettes from my coat pocket before stepping onto the porch. I light up my cigarette and take a long drag as I hang my head.

_Two years... Two long years... Is he even where I left that lighthouse anymore? Is he even alive anymore?_

The questions keep swirling around in my head as I think about my best friend. He isn't there anymore. But part of me just hopes...

I fight to keep my tears back as I continue to question if doing this is still a good idea. I haven't slept in the same bed as Ryan since we first started dating. I haven't moved because I keep hoping that he'll show up one day. I stopped living, in hopes that a ghost from my past will show up one day, like its no big deal...

I stomp my cigarette out and start walking back to my door. I'm tired... And I want to go to sleep in my own bed for once.

As I reach for the door, I turn my head and look out towards my yard, just in time to see the lights from my driveway turn on. I freeze and continue to stare, holding my breath and praying that it isn't an animal.

After a minute, I start breathing again and shake my head, thinking that it was just a raccoon. However, before I can move again, I see someone point their head from around the corner, looking over to the door.

"Luke," they say in a raspy voice, but it's still clear enough for me to recognize who it belonged to, even if the face of the man is far skinnier than I had ever seen it.

"Jon," I say, letting go of the doorknob and walking to the edge of the porch.

I watch as he walks over to my steps and steps onto the porch with me, standing just a foot away from me. His clothes are barely staying on his body, his skin is pale with hints of red and black, and I can see bruises pointing out from under his clothes.

We stay silent for a minute, but eventually, he says, "When did I kill my sister?"

"You didn't kill her, Jon."

"I was driving."

"And someone ran a red light. You didn't kill her." He looks away from me, obviously not believing what I was telling him, even though it was all true. "She passed away two years ago."

"Are my parents okay?"

"They are... but they miss you so much."

"How could they miss me?"

"Because you're their son, and they will always love you. They want their son back more than you realize, Jon." I then gently grab his shoulder, causing him to flinch and look at me. "Just like how I miss my little brother."

Within seconds, he falls to his knees in tears and I follow after. I hold onto him as he and I cry, not wanting to let each other go.

Tonight, I will let him sleep in my guest room. In the morning, I will make him breakfast. In the morning, I will take him to the rehab center in the next town over. But for now, I just want to hold him underneath the light that led him back to me. The light that I had kept on, waiting and wishing for him to follow. The light, that I almost turned off for the first time in two years.

_I'm so happy I didn't._


	16. #Goals (Brycelizer)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ***Trigger Warning***

_"You guys are so cute!"_

_"#CoupleGoals!"_

_"This is so unfair! You guys are so cute and so hot!"_

_"You guys look so happy together. I hope I can find someone who loves me as much as you guys love each other."_

Tears are running down my cheeks as I read the new comments under a picture I posted on Instagram. My head is pounding, my eye already starting to swell up. My neck hurts. My back hurts. My heart...

I scroll up and look at the picture all of these comments were under. It's a selfie of Bryce and I. We're cuddling in bed, our hair messy from just waking up, and he's kissing my forehead. I had literally just posted this picture this morning, and it's gotten so many likes. The comments are all of people talking about how cute we are or how jealous they are of our relationship. I want to smile, but my lip hurts so much.

Wiping away my tears, I crawl over to the bathroom and grab onto the vanity, pulling myself up. I look into the mirror and take a good look at what I have to work with. My neck is red, my cheek and eye are red, there's blood dripping down my nose, and I have a split lip.

I take a deep, shaky breath before I grab a rag from under the vanity, getting it wet, and dabbing it along my face, trying to clean myself up as best I can. After I clean off the blood and get my nose to stop bleeding, I reach over and grab my bottle of rubbing alcohol.

Using another rag, I dab the liquid onto my lip, and I carefully feel around my face, making sure I'm not bleeding from anywhere else. I then stand in front of the mirror and stare at myself for a long while.

Bryce and I had been together for over a year... You'd think I'd know better by now.

My mind wonders back to the day, after that picture was taken. I posted it and jumped out of bed, getting myself ready for the day. Bryce and I had a date planned for over a week, and I was excited to go out. It all started off so well too.

We went shopping at the mall, had lunch, went to a park to relax, and then went out for dinner. I ate a lot at dinner, and Bryce told me that I needed to slow down. He didn't want me to ruin the diet I was working so hard to maintain.

He left, and the waiter came over. He told me he heard what Bryce had said, and told me that I shouldn't listen to him. He told me that I looked handsome. I blushed at his comment, and Bryce saw me. When we got home, he started yelling at me.

He accused me of flirting with the waiter, something I swore on my life I never did. I should have just said I had and apologized. Maybe if I did, he wouldn't have grabbed my neck. He wouldn't have punched me. He wouldn't have chocked me... He wouldn't have hurt me.

I jump back into reality when I hear the bedroom door open and shut. Seconds later, Bryce walked into the bathroom and just stared at me in the mirror. We didn't say a word. Just stared through the mirror, waiting to see who would move first.

After a bit, he walks over to me and he wraps his arms around me, pulling me close to him, and he rests his head on my shoulder. "I'm sorry," he starts, holding me tightly in his arms. "I just... I love you so much, and I was scared. I don't want you to find someone better than me. I don't want you to leave me. I don't know how I could keep living without you."

I look down at the two wet rags in front of me and I take a deep breath. "I know, Brycie. But, I love you too. You know that... I would never leave you."

I feel his lips gently start to kiss down my neck and onto my shoulder. Soon, he spins me around and he tries to kiss me, but I turn away. He glares at me before grabbing my face and forcing me to look at him.

"What the hell was that for?!"

"Brycie, please. I have a split lip. I don't want to-" Before I can finish talk, he drops his hand down to my neck and he starts tightening his grip on it, cutting off my airway. I start gasping, begging for air as he glares into my eyes.

"I already told you, I was sorry," he growls, his cold eyes staying locked with mine. "Why do you always have to be like this after we fight?!" He lets me go and almost instantly, I fall to my knees, and I start gasping for air, trying to fill my lungs again.

"Clean yourself up and just come to bed," he growls before turning away from me. I look up and watch him as he starts to turn away from me and walk out of the bathroom. "Fucking annoying piece of," before I can hear the last of his words, he slams the bathroom door, leaving me shaking and crying on the floor.

I cover my mouth as I sob on the floor, trying not to cry too loudly as I let out all of the heartache. I love him so much, but every time he does this, I don't know what to think. It hurts me that I doubt that he cares about me. I should know that he does. He says he does. Sometimes he acts like he does.

The way he holds me. The way he kisses me. The way he looks at me when he isn't mad at me. They all tell me that he loves me. But then... then he gets jealous, or mad. I make a mistake, or someone looks at me. Then... Then I'm not sure what to think. What to believe.

I never thought I would fall into this type of relationship, but I have. I know this is wrong. I should have gotten out after the first time he put his hands on me... But I love him so much... I don't want to leave him... I don't-

I hear my phone ding in my pocket, so I pull it out and unlock it. I had three new comments on the picture I posted this morning.

_"#CouplesGoals"_

_"You guys should get an award for the cutest couple EVER!!!"_

_"I am sooooo jealous! I hope my future boyfriend and I have a relationship just like you guys!"_

My eyes slowly travel back up to the door to my bedroom. Slowly, and with my knees still shaking, I pull myself off of the floor and I put my phone back into my pocket. Then, I walk out of the bathroom, change into my pajamas, and crawl into bed, cuddling up to Bryce, and not fighting him as he kisses me and pushes me to go farther with him.

I love him so much. And I know he loves me. I just make him angry sometimes. But when we're good; we're couple goals.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **_This story was inspired by a domestic violence ad I've seen on TV, but can't find online. It hit me hard, because it pushed something I've always thought about._ **
> 
> _**When we put all these online celebrities and Hollywood celebrity couples on a pedestal and label them as "goals", we never see what we are labeling as a "goal". We can imagine that they are living the perfect life, living together in a amazing, happy life, where they never argue or whatever. But, that's all what we think. We don't know what it's really like. We don't know what happens behind closed doors. We don't know what they don't want us to see.** _
> 
> _**If you or someone you know is in an abusive relationship, don't stay silent. Tell someone you trust, and get out of that relationship. If you fear that you or someone you know may be in danger if you or they leave that relationship, then go to the police. It rarely ever stops.** _


	17. Sing Me To Sleep (Vent)

***Inspired by the song "Asleep" by The Smiths***

***Trigger Warning***

"Ryan," my mom calls through my door. I lift my head from my notebook and look over.

"Yeah, mom?"

"Honey, it's almost midnight. Don't you have school tomorrow?"

I sigh.

School. Where no matter how hard I work, I feel like I've failed by the time I sit in my desk. Where I can't tell who is my friend and who is out to ruin my life in any way they can. Where even in a crowded room, I feel like I'm alone.

"I'll go to bed right now," I tell her as I finish writing in my notebook. I then rip out the page and fold it in half.

"Ryan, open the door, please."

I rush over to my bed and tuck the note under my pillow before I walk to my door and open it.

"Ryan, what's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Ryan-"

"Mama, I'm serious. Nothing it wrong."

"... May I come in?" I frown but nod my head, moving aside so she could walk in. Once she does, she sits on my bed and waits for me to sit next to her. "Honey, I've noticed that you've been acting different lately. Can you please tell me what's wrong?"

"It's nothing, mama. I've just... lately, some of my friends have shown me a different side to them. They've been talking about me behind my back, making me look and feel like a complete joke. But, it's just stupid stuff. I can take it."

"Is that really all that's bothering you?"

I look down at my hands.

How can I tell her how I feel deep down? I heard her and my dad fighting a few nights ago over getting me a tutor due to my failing grade. I heard him talking about how he thought I was just fucking around in class instead of it being just hard for me to focus or having a hard time understanding what it is I was learning... Then I heard him talk about how didn't have the money to pay our bills if he hired someone to tutor me. 

How can I look at her and tell her that I feel like a burden on this household? How can I tell her that I feel like a complete failure and a waste of space? That I don't feel like I can ever make her or my dad proud. I don't feel like I can do something with my life. That I don't want to disappoint her or him any more than I already have. That I'm unhappy with my life... That I gave up.

Forcing a smile, I look back to her and say, "I'm sure, mom."

She gives me a concerning look, but she nods and gently rubs my back. "Okay honey. But, you know that if you ever need to talk, I'm more than willing to listen. It doesn't matter what you have to say."

"... I know, mom."

She starts to stand up and, without really realizing it, I say, "Wait!"

She turns back to me, and I quickly back down. I don't know why I wanted her to stay here for just a bit longer, but now I know she won't leave if I tell her anything else. So, I quickly come up with something.

"Can... I'm sorry... I'm tired, but I've been having a hard time sleeping lately... Can you... Can you sing me to sleep?"

She gives me a comforting smile and says, "Sure sweetie."

I smile back at her and get into bed, while she grabs my chair from my desk and moves it closer to my bed. She then gently runs her hand along my cheek and through my hair as she starts singing a song she used to sing to me when I was a baby. As she sings, her soft tone seemingly calms my mind... For at least a few seconds.

I feel my eyes start to grow heavy, and I feel my heart start to beat slower. I smile up to her as she soon finishes her song, and she kisses my forehead.

"Thank you, mom. I love you."

"I love you too, baby. I'll see you in the morning."

I then watch as she walks out of my room, turning off the light behind her and closing the door on the way out. Once she leaves, I pull the note out from under my pillow and open it, writing in one last line before I pull out the bottle of sleeping pills from my nightstand.

_ "P.S. Thank you for the song, mama. I love you, and I'm sorry." _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _**Hey Foxes... So, let me explain something really fast.** _
> 
> _**Last year was a really bad year for me. I felt weak, alone, and overall tired. So, I wrote this last year in the hopes of getting some of the pain I was feeling out. I didn't really plan to post it, however, I found it recently, and thought about where I was when I wrote it.** _
> 
> _**From then to now, I have gone through some of the hardest times I've ever gone through. I learned that I had a hormonal disorder, which I'm not going to get into, but after learning more about it, it honestly destroyed me due to how it was going to affect my future. I almost lost someone extremely close to me, lost my childhood pet, and was dealing with a lot more things behind the scenes. I wanted to give up so many times, but I made it out on the other side...** _
> 
> _**And after finding this vent writing, I finally spoke up to my mother about the things I have gone through and what I've thought. It honestly hurt so much to talk about, and honestly, I never thought I would be able to do it. However, after talking with her, not only did I finally feel a weight get lifted from my chest, but the hug she gave me was honestly something I needed so badly, and I didn't realize it until she gave it to me.** _
> 
> _**If there is anything I could tell you reading this, it would be to speak up. If you are going through something, find someone you love and speak up. I know it will be hard and you think that it wouldn't matter, but honest to god, it will. No matter how bad things feel, I promise you will make it through this, and you will get out of this stronger. However, if you feel like you can't do it alone, then please, talk to your parents, family, or your school counselor. If you can, please see if you can get into therapy. I promise it will get better. Just never give up.** _


End file.
